Common Nonsense

Laying in bed this morning just after waking, thoughts raced through mind, as though in a panic, cold sweat and clenched teeth, tense, like trying to figure something out, or trying to remember something. Like words being narrated, about connections and what is necessary to take THIS THING as far as it can go. It all seemed to make perfect sense, seemed to fit perfectly together, but when I attempted to articulate it I felt as though I was destroying something, and now that I have been awake for a time, and have reached the point where I am writing about the experience it just looks like I'm stating something obvious.

Self improvement is not something that just runs in the background. A machine can exist as a physical thing, but will stop functioning unless all the gears and springs and the source of power are present. I must not only learn what makes this mind/body thing function efficiently, but I must also act on that acquired knowledge. When I take actions that are contrary to what I have learned, through experience, to be what are the right things for me, I am merely existing, but when I take the right actions, I am moving in a right direction.

After pondering this it occurred to me that I've been too hard on myself. I need to become more okay with the bad things that are part of life, and realize that things, including myself, can't be all good all the time. If I find myself occasionally succumbing to mental or physical cravings, or if I am unable at times to do what I feel I would like to be doing; I shouldn't see it as things that are knocking me right back to the beginning, but should see it as just pauses in the process, like a damaged gear or bearing in a machine that needs to be replaced. As long as I continue to be more good than bad, decide to take more right actions than wrong, I will be moving forward. The momentary lapses could be seen as learning experiences that can lead to plans of action. The same way a machine that breaks down can lead to preventative maintenance and continuous improvement plans... the more I pay attention to what it takes to keep things functioning efficiently, and what things will make things break down, the more aware I will become of what works and what doesn't... like working the bugs out.

Moving

We live in a building that is on the north east corner of an intersection. Our back door opens onto a balcony facing to the north. One block to the east there is another street running north/south. A couple of blocks to the north there is a street running east/west. All the houses in the area around this building are different sizes and shapes, and are at different distances from the street. There are many trees of different sizes and types in all of the back yards, so all summer long from the balcony we see almost nothing but leaf covered branches. I was just looking out the door moments ago noticing again all the back yards on the block, now exposed after the leaves withered and fell. Wooden stairways and different style railings on old houses turned into rental units. Portions of back yards converted to parking spaces. Some laundry hanging here and there. Little clusters of junk.

It really is quite a unique place to live, and I'm going to miss (some of) it after we move... whenever that is going to be. As of right now it is something that is going to happen soon. Nothing has been set in motion yet, and nothing will be until the beginning of next year. I can't look forward to moving in itself, but it being done can be a good thing in ways. No more ancient toilet and sink drains that decide when they want to drain properly. No more thin walls and old windows facing a street popular for walking down intoxicated after last call. No more radiant heat that keeps the temperature above 80F during the spells of sub zero winter days.

No more creaking hardwood floor... and I don't mean here and there, I mean everywhere we step except for the kitchen, which is tiled, and the bathroom, which is linoleum. Every step sounds different. We've learned the places that are really loud, more like a loud popping than creaking, and try to avoid them. The people that lived next door to us when we moved in moved away. A younger couple moved in. The previous ones were very quiet, and were hardly ever home. The new ones like to have parties with loud guests and thumping base on the stereo. They are not all nighters like the idiots across the street and their porch parties, fighting all night and puking all morning, all summer long. The neighbours gatherings don't happen often, and the stereo doesn't play continuously, so it's not enough to justify a complaint, but still it's an annoyance that won't be missed.

I'm sure a new place will have it's own issues and neighbourly annoyances, but some of these things are pretty obvious things that can be avoided when choosing a place. We had an idea that this place would be the way it has been when we moved in, but the price and the time was right, and we didn't have much time to be picky about it... and there are actually things that I have enjoyed about living here. Like chatting with the elderly Scottish gentleman living beneath us, and beside him, the intense banjo teacher that likes to get drunk and talk... and talk, and be quite silly and somewhat incoherent at times. I'll miss the squirrels, and having this window right beside my computer desk. And how close it is to the bulk food store, and the video store just across from it.

And then there's all that other shit that I haven't yet bothered to deal with... those things that have been urgent since last April... so they like to say in the messages they sometimes leave. There is a word for that and I can't think of it... back in April they said it was urgent, implied that if I didn't do something immediately about it that something was going to happen. I didn't, and haven't reacted to it at all, and nothing has happened. I'm sure if I ignore it all long enough something eventually will happen... but still I can't ignore how stupid that really is. How can something be continually urgent every day for several months? Like yelling at someone over the same spilled milk every day for a year. Quite interesting... or something.

Awakened Again

There is a part of me that says, they are young, and enjoying their lives before it all becomes complicated. That part, in a way kind of envies their energy, freedom and happiness, and wishes I could be out walking the streets, young and drunk at 3:00am, laughing and yelling and kicking over garbage cans. How magical, in an apocalyptic sort of way, it must be to be out on these silent and empty city streets on these oddly mild and snowless November nights. Part of me feels that way.

Another part, startled awake again by a young male, WOOOTT!!! right under the bedroom window, mixed with loud conversation about nothing, giggling, and footsteps, and FUUUCCKKK YAHHHH, AHHHH, oooooOOOOTTT!!!, echoing through the night, envisions nylon ropes, and duct tape being torn from the roll, and cordless power tools, or chasing them down the street in my boxers and boots with a baseball bat, screaming at them like a madman to shut the fuck up and stay the fuck off my street, until blood sprays out of my mouth from my ruined throat.

All I want to do is sleep through from when I lay down and drift off until I naturally wake. And it seems more nights than not lately I'm being robbed of that luxury. The powerlessness over that makes me angry, frustrated and kind of saddened. It's quite tiring... and I'm tired of it. That part asks, where did these kids come from? Were they raised by wolves or are they just fucking stupid? Raised by capitalism? Parents too busy working to teach them that it's not cool to walk through quiet neighbourhoods in the middle of the night being as loud and annoying as possible. Not raised at all? Unconscious. Oblivious. Let loose on the world like animals to roam and figure it all out. They might never grow up, might never learn respect.

Fucking redneck/gangsta wannabe boys and pop star obsessed girls. Jump the tracks to a twisted train of thought relating this to that video I recently watched that someone on Twitter had posted a link to. Male whales fighting, battling over who gets the girl. The strongest one, out of several, swimming off with her. Some humans just fuck without a thought about fittest, strongest, best. Fuck whoever is there and willing to exchange fluids, all for the orgasmic rush, like a drug addiction. Reproducing, over-populating with weakened versions of the species to the point of being on the verge of destroying ourselves. Survival of the dumbest. Products of a flaw in the choosing of mates for the purpose of reproduction.

Bullshit.

I'm totally full of shit. Everyone alive has the potential  to achieve and contribute great things...

bitterness, sleep loss and caffeine... excuses for thoughts, whatever

I flip to another page, and find myself taking the blame for being awake right now. If I didn't indulge in a rare treat of chips and dip while watching a movie not long before going to bed I might have been able to go immediately back to sleep. Fragmented feelings, many sides to the same thing. Let them be, young, wild and happy, envy them. Hate them. Blame junk food and my digestive system. Blame myself for being here. No one is twisting my arm to live here just a few blocks from the night clubs. Perhaps this is karma from when I was young, wild and annoying... and it's strange, right now as I'm typing this sentence it is exactly 4:13am, and I can hear them again on the street not far from here. I can hear them carrying on like before, third time (I've heard them) tonight. A bottle smashes on pavement. I do not know if it's the same cluster of them just wandering aimlessly around, or if it has been different ones each time. Like that somehow matters.

Suddenly found myself opening up The Weather Network page and looking at the long term forecast... kind of hoping, or something, that it's going to go double digits below zero soon. Freeze them off the streets... right. Not even expected to reach zero in the next 7 days.

I could blame global warming.

so pointless and unfinished